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With a lot of self acceptance and reconciling that I would not and could not have the only type of life I had ever known. At best, the coming out process for me was rough. It also dismissed a very difficult journey of self discovery. A qualifier that unknowingly implied I was unlovable, but they were able to rise above it all. Not a constant jab but rather a recurring pain that never seemed to go away. It was “I love you, anyway.” It was meant to comfort and reassure me that nothing had changed for them, but it always poked at my heart a bit. The tag line was “Snickers, when your appetite’s pokin’ at ya pokin’ at ya.” This is where Paula found the humor and I fell in love with the phrase “pokin’ at you”.īut let’s get back on point and focus on what has been “pokin’ at me for a while.” When I was on my coming out journey in the early 90’s there was a phrase people like me heard regularly. In one of her HBO stand-up specials she does this bit about a Snickers commercial. The book was a brilliant way of getting me moving forward again.Īs I was reading the book, I thought about something that has been pokin’ at me for a long while.ĪSIDE: I love the term “pokin’ at you.” It always makes me think about the brilliant and funny (and queer) comedian Paula Poundstone. I needed a little help finding my way through the rest of the tunnel. The book referred to this stage as being in “the tunnel towards authenticity”.
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I had put shame and fear behind me and had moved past my search for validation but I had not quite reached authenticity.
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After reading The Velvet Rage I recognized I was in transition. Picture a person on a hamster wheel or a computer that is always trying to load the next page with no luck. When I started seeing my therapist I was a bit lost and exhausted in every way. The book, by psychologist Alan Downs, describes the gay man’s journey from shame and anger, to searching for validation to finding one’s authentic self. Sadly, in my community that does not make me special, but all too ordinary.Ī while back my therapist suggested I read the book The Velvet Rage. To that end, I have spent a lot of time seeking validation. That didn’t make it any less damaging or the journey to self acceptance any less brutal. I have to believe it wasn’t done out of malice but lack of knowledge. Queer men of my generation were raised to be straight. As Published in Las Vegas PRIDE Magazine